love is rare

"it only happens a few times"

Dec 20, 2023

i guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with.
and later in life, you realize it only happens a few times. (before sunset, 2004)

*jesse and céline, before sunset (2004)*

i think one of my closest friends in college was a soulmate.

she was quiet, and thoughtful, the kind of person who actually thought before they spoke. she asked good questions; she was curious, she was sensitive, she was shy. she once asked me how i found it so easy to exude my presence, to radiate the breadth of a room when instinct drew her towards the shadows. we were different in so many ways – my unfiltered opinions and arrogance juxtaposed like a river to the calm waters of her quiet sureties and inquisitiveness. and yet we cherished what we saw in the other, admired those very qualities we sought in ourselves.

it was the kind of friendship that always hinted at something more – the meaningful glances at an inside joke that held for a second too long, the casual shoulder touches that lingered beyond mere affection. when we finally slept together, on a drunken night out that fall, we came together naturally, as if we had always known this would happen – this dance of attraction that had started as two atoms in the arms of covalence, bound together in the liminal space of two bodies become one.

and yet we never became anything.

i didn’t allow it – never even entertained the idea or acknowledged the possibility, assumed she felt the same. sure, we slept together another handful of times, never quite intentionally, always a little drunk. but for all the time we spent together, the notion of Us, singular, never made it onto the table for discussion.

i know, now, that we had something special. i think i knew it then, too: i remember telling my roommates that if we ever dated, we would probably get married.

so why didn’t i try?

the single, most defining feature of youth: we see possibility in everything. i was 20 at the time, already dreaming of traveling, already thinking of life after college and all the possibilities it held.

i never considered dating my friend because i assumed that, for the rest of my life, i would naturally and inevitably meet other people like her as a function of time.

and i was right, to some degree. you don’t need to watch twilight or the notebook to know that you will meet people throughout your life that fit into your soul like hands to a glove, people that – for reasons you can never quite capture with words – you’re drawn to inexplicably, irresistibly, and inescapably.

but the reality is that things rarely work out the way you want them to.

it’s a bit like murphy’s law: anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. maybe they have a significant other already. or you mess up, act too aloof, push them away. maybe it’s the right person but the wrong time; have you seen all 128 minutes of la la land? or maybe it’s the right time but the wrong place: you’re only here on vacation, and leave barcelona in a week. life happens.

i don’t begrudge my younger self for his decision. regret is a language for situations where alternative outcomes were possible; 20-year-old kora hardly knew better. the only thing he could have done at the time was treat the relationship like any other college fling: low-commitment, low-expectation, and definitely not worth getting serious about. even if it was with a best friend.

but five years later, i still find myself wondering sometimes: what if we had given it a try? what if i had cherished our relationship enough to let it grow? what if i hadn’t allowed my fear of commitment – of “limiting myself” – overwhelm everything else?

and i just want to give my younger self a good ol’ knock on the head for thinking that this kind of thing happened all the time.

i’ve spent the past few years moving from place to place – purposely untethered, letting go at every turn. i ended a relationship when i left california for hawaii; two years later, i did the same thing again when i left hawaii to travel. always, i chased the idea of “all the possibilities,” purposely leaving myself unfettered to explore new opportunities, people, and experiences.

and i’ve explored – and learned, and grown. i’ve met people i otherwise would have never gotten to know; spent days and weeks with travel flings from far-flung corners of the world who grew up so differently than i did; shared meals, sunset surfs, wine-filled nights with people who deigned to share a piece of themselves – their language, their traditions, their food – with me. i’ll tell you now that human connection is always possible, no matter how different we may seem.

but i’ll also tell you this: the type of human connection at the soul level – those profound, soulmate-esque bonds – are fucking rare.

our soulmates in this life aren’t an ever-increasing function of time. they don’t magically appear in our lives every time we’ve lived a certain number of years, traveled to x number of countries, or met enough people to fill a small room. they’re few and far between. and they come into our lives unpredictably, spontaneously, often in situations completely beyond our control.

soulmates are like stars in the sky, a friend once told me.

sometimes, a speck of light enters our orbit but we’re not sure what exactly it is. maybe it’s a star. or maybe it’s just an asteroid, a satellite; a trace of dust in the twilight breeze or a subtle trick of the eye.

i’m not saying you have to pay attention to every flicker of light that catches your eye. but don’t hesitate to get on your feet and take a closer look for yourself. it’s worth exploring, believe me.

because if it really is a star, know this: it only happens a few times.

künstlerroaming

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